How a Horse Ate my Cousin
by missmizzie
Summary: This has been in my head for months. On the return trip to Earth, our favorite rangers are getting buzzed off the late Junior's stash when Krayonder asks the question that everyone wants to know. Tup, Buguary, Sprayonder, Mega-toot (did I get those right?)


**A/N: Okay guys, be nice to me, this is my first Starship/Starkid story. Other fanfics brought me to AVPM last summer and I watched every musical within three days. I have since watched every Starkid video I could find on youtube, so I hope I did this justice. Personally, I always thought that Tootsie is not as dumb as they portrayed him (or at least he would be smart enough to tell the difference between a living person and hay.) Anyway, with THE SEQUEL IN THE WORKS/ AND THE READING AT LEAKYCON, if figured I would post this story. All canon ships with some past Tootsie/OC ;P. Enjoy.**

After the events on Bug World, Commander Up honestly had no idea what to do. Junior was dead, leaving him in charge. Bug had gone to the over queen of his planet for permission to travel to Earth with the rangers so he could stay with February and become a real Starship Ranger. As they didn't have the time to go through the entire process of bringing an alien to Earth, Mega-girl had managed to get forms off the interweb for Up to sign, basically a temporary visa to get the insect planet side long enough for him to apply for citizenship.

The more pressing issue though was Dr. Spaceclaw, who was now clearly evil. Because of this, Up couldn't exactly ask him what to do, so the battle-worn commander ordered Specs to enter the coordinates to take them to the one hanger Spaceclaw was least likely to be. He'd figure out what the hell he should do later; probably after a bubble bath, the good Karate Kid movie, and a nap.

Who knows, maybe he could convince Taz to watch the movie with him. Or to take a bubble bath. With him.

Anyway, a few minutes after Up left the kitchen/dining area, Krayonder snuck off to Junior's old quarters and poked around. The one time the now deceased man was around him, Krayonder thought he caught a whiff of a familiar substance. Sure enough, after five minutes, the young ranger found several grams of weed and two six-packs. "Fuck yeah," he murmured as he grabbed the drugs and beer before leaving the room.

"Krayonder! What the hell are you thinking?" Specs snapped as her (sorta) boyfriend entered the eating area with an armful of pot and booze.

"That I just got my head torn open by a giant dead god damn scorpion five hours ago, then I attended a funeral that turned into a huge wedding and party with the guy who was no longer dead?" The man suggested as he passed out the beers.

Specs declined hers in disgust and watched the others. Mega-girl sneered when Krayonder offered her a can out of habit. Tootsie giggled at his new wife as he opened his beer, while February opened the drink for Bug, struggling to explain what beer was. The bespectacled girl eventually found her voice. "And if the commander sees this?"

"Then I'll just assume it is medical marijuana, Private." Said a voice with a heavy Southern drawl from the doorway.

The human occupants of the room turned in horror to look at the commander. None of this really affected Mega-girl and Bug had no idea he was involved in anything illegal. It seemed that Taz and Up were getting some popcorn for their movie, but now, Up pulled out a chair and helped himself to a beer. "Up?" Taz cried out in shock. "What the hell are jou doing?" The others appeared to be thinking the same thing.

The older man rolled his eyes. "Come on, Taz. After the day we've all had, we deserve to have a little party. Our ship won't reach Earth for at least a week. Who's gonna find out?"

"Besides," Krayonder added, rolling a joint to Specs' horror. "This was all in Junior's room. It's like his way of paying us back for all the shit he did, man." The ex-party boy sealed the joint and Up leant him his lighter.

"What?" The commander asked as everyone gave him a strange look. "You've all seen me smokin' my cigars." Up pulled out a handful of said cigars to prove his point and put them on the table. As everyone returned to their beer and conversations, Up took the rolling paper from Krayonder and rolled some more joints to put with the cigars.

Eventually the party of eight started. Taz even took a few hits from a joint and shared a beer or two with Up, while Specs stuck with what was left of Bugs beer (he was physically unable to drink it and spilled half of it in his attempt.) Mega-girl played an assortment of popular music she had downloaded. As she was a married robot woman nobody wanted to ask where the sound was coming from, especially since she was still talking without disturbing the sound.

By the time the table was covered in empty bags, containers and crumbs, Krayonder suddenly remembered the question he has wanted to ask Tootsie since they had left Bug World. "Yo, Tootsie. Remember when you told us that a horse ate your cousin, man?"

"No." The ex-farmer simply replied as he scowled halfheartedly at Mega-girl as she took the raw ground beef out of his hands to cook it before he actually ate it.

"Are you just going to cook that?" Up asked, clearly not concerned about a robot handling his food. Certainly he never would have been as comfortable the other morning when he was sobbing behind Taz. "'Cause I could really go for a burger."

"I would really like an _empanada_." Taz said, getting up and opening the fridge. "Specs, jour sober, _si? _Do jou know if we have any tortillas, or shredded cheese, or rice?"

"Anyway!" Krayonder said loudly to ward off any more interruptions. "Tootsie, you also told Mega-girl that a stack of hay was your cousin." The country boy nodded eagerly. "So, like, was your cousin a haystack?"

Tootsie gave him a strange look. "No stupid! Her name was Stacka Hay."

The Farm Planet native tossed aside his used roach and lit a cigar as everyone stared at him. Bug cleared his throat, unsure if what Tootsie said was a normal human thing to say that he alone didn't understand. The insect ran the man's response through his head in his native language, but still couldn't make sense of it. "What?"

Tootsie beamed at the bug and cheerfully went into his usual explanation. "You see, where I come from, Farm Planet, your first name is what you do, and your second name is what you love. So my name is Tootsie, on account of my occasional toot, and Mega-girl, because I love her." Tootsie paused to smile at his new wife as she put down a pan of cooked ground beef for everyone to help themselves. He took a swig of beer before continuing. "Now my cousin, she was always stackin' things into a neat pile ever since she was little, so they named her Stack. She also loved the smell of hay, but they couldn't call her Stack Smell-o'-Hay, that would sound fuckin' stupid. So her name was Stack Hay. Now for some reason, Stacka just rolled off the tongue so everyone called her Stacka Hay."

Tootsie beamed at the end of his lengthy explanation while everyone stared at him. "Okay…" Taz said around a mouthful of meat as she used her knife (which still had some dried blood from when she stabbed Krayonder the day before) to open some packs of seasonings she had found in a cabinet. "So, how did a horse eat jour cousin? It seems impossible."

The former farm boy shook his head. "Maybe in Brazil," he chuckled darkly.

The Mexican woman looked insulted and aimed the slightly seasoned knife at Tootsie. Mega-girl turned to her and moved towards Taz before Up stepped between the two. "Tootsie, just tell us what the hell happened."

The lovable bumpkin nodded. "Well, Stacka Hay and I were workin' on a neighbor's farm. The neighbor, Sleep-round Pie, was too sick to handle it on his own. So we was workin' together and I was tellin' her how nice her ass was and she was gigglin' and all." At the disgusted looks on everyone's face, he got defensive. "Well, we didn't know we was cousins at the time! Everyone in the family has a different last name. And my pa had twelve siblings and ma has ten. Hell, they can't even keep them all straight, cause everyone is always changing their names when they get married or start doin' something new. Shit guys, come on! What's it like on Earth?"

Specs shook her head. "We can talk about that later, Tootsie. Just finish your story."

Satisfied, Tootsie nodded. "Okay Specs. Anyway, I was tellin' my cousin how hot she looked and she was tellin' me how sexy I was when one of the genetically engineered horses came out. Ya see, years ago, the Farm Planet scientists got together and decided to take your normal sized horse and make it bigger and stronger so they could do more work in the farm. 'Course, cause they was Farm Planet scientists, they wasn't any good and they messed up. So we ended up with these horses the size of them elephants y'all got down where Taz is from in Brazil. And them giant horses are mean, too. So while Stacka Hay and I was flirtin' with each other, this one fella horse came a just bit into her for no reason. Then I screamed and through a shovel at it and it left. Then I carried Stacka Hay to my house. Sadly, that dead god damn horse bit her head off, so she died two days later. After she died, ma and pa managed to get ahold of her parents and we found out that Stacka Hay's pa was my ma's twin or something. Anyway, I joined the G.L.E.E. the next day. So that's how a horse ate my cousin! And that's why me and horses got a feud!"

The entire room was silent immediately following Tootsie's story. The country boy himself seemed oblivious to how insane he sounded to his fellow rangers and began to giggle, which eventually turned into hysterical laughter. All the Starship Rangers watched in mild horror as Tootsie howled with laughter for several minutes before Megagirl lifted him and carried him to their room to calm down in private. Taz shook her head and leaned against Up. "Fucking idiota." Up nodded in agreement and lead her back to his room so they could finally watch their movie.

Specs sat in the commanders vacated chair and took a swig of her beer, before turning to Krayonder. "Well, I guess everyone handles their grief differently," she stated in her nasally voice. The nerdy girl snatched the joint from the other rangers mouth before continuing. " But let's never go to Farm Planet, agreed?"

Krayonder smirked, "Hell yeah." He replied in a perfect imitation of Tootsie's dialect. Specs let out an uncharacteristic giggle and ignored February and Bug making out. And at the same time, the engineer pretended not to notice the cute ranger next to her slid his chair just a bit closer to hers.

**A/N: Fun facts! I got all my stoner terms and behaviors from **_**That 70's Show**_** and movies and books. I have never gotten high or did any form of drugs (including smoked cigarettes) or got drunk. I'm just boring, sorry. I also believe that Krayonder may have come from one of those programs where you get the choice to either join the military or go to prison/juvie. Nothing against him personally, I love Joe Moses! A little side story to explain Taz getting pissed when Tootsie said she was from Brazil; one of my old Spanish teachers spent an entire class period bitching about a former co-worker who wished her a happy Cinco de Mayo, and how it was offensive because she was from Chile and Cinco de Mayo is only celebrated by Mexicans (news flash, bitch, Americans "celebrate" that day as an excuse to get shitfaced, your co-worker probably said the same thing to everyone else that day, it wasn't because of your accent.) Anyway, I thought Taz would have a similar over-the-top reaction.**

**Shit, this is a long authors note, sorry to everyone still reading. Finally, I channeled my inner dikrat(s) while writing this. Making it as crazy as possible while keeping to a specific plot and referencing their other plays. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it, please review.**

**p.s. what do y'all think about the ending, I wrote about five others, but this is the only one I liked.**


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